Lunch Anecdote

Yesterday my friend, D, and I decided to go to lunch.

I was wearing a fabulous new sundress (this will be important later) that perfectly matched his shirt, so we were accidentally and awkwardly adorable. Totes presh.

We weren't quite sure where we wanted to eat, but (despite the fact that D knows I'm a terrible driver) we hop into my car and decide we'll figure it out while we drive.

We eventually settled on a local Mediterranean restaurant.

After many detours and much confusion over parking (thanks, construction!), we finally arrived. But upon entering the restaurant, we noticed that the prices had increased quite a bit.

Okay... he noticed that. I had never been to that restaurant before.

Anyway, we eventually decided that was a little more than we were willing to pay for Gyros (pronounced Euros?!? Good thing I didn't try to order one... I would've sounded like an idiot), so we nonchalantly walk out.

Strike one.

We decided our second choice, a steak-restaurant-type-place, might be a better option.

We drive over there, park the car, and waltz in confidently... only to find the owners sitting at a table, smoking (gross), and staring blankly at us. One of them finally decides to speak up.

"We're closed today."

Oh... okay. Because that's totally normal. Closing your restaurant down on a random Tuesday, but still hanging out inside with the doors open. Yeah, no big.

Feeling a bit frustrated, we make our exit.

Strike two.

Next we decide to test out a new Puerto Rican restaurant that I'd heard about. It's a small place- kind of a hole in the wall- and it has kick ass window art portraying stick figure people chilling in a stick figure boat. I should've taken a picture to show you, but I suck at blogging, so I didn't think about it at the time. Sorry.

Anyway, we go in, eat a deliciously Puerto Rican meal, and partake of strange but delightful coconut dessert. The waitress hurriedly handed us our checks (I think she wanted to watch the TV I'd asked her to turn down), so, sensing her urgency, we paid quickly and left

We return to my house, chat briefly about the role of men and women in relationships and in society (we're soooooo intellectual), and D heads home.

You're probably wondering where the mildly humorous part of the story was.

Don't worry... I'm getting there.

About 5 minutes after D leaves, I get up to let my dog outside. As I'm walking out the door, the back of my dress gets caught on something in the doorway.

During my struggle to get loose, I thought I heard the sound of fabric ripping. This was very distressing to me, because I bought this dress at a thrift store a few days ago, and accidentally destroying new (used) things sucks. Especially when you look freaking fantastic in said new thing.

In a panic, I run back to my sister's room to check the damage in her full-length mirror. I awkwardly stare over my shoulder at my backside and breathe a sigh of relief. No tear!

But wait a second....

Is that...?

Surely not!

Is my red, striped underwear really visible through this dress?!

I move around so I can check it out from different angles, and my fears were confirmed.

Now, to be honest, I'm not super horrified by the fact that D might've seen my skivvies through my dress. We're close, so that's whatever.

But let me remind you that we have now traipsed through THREE different restaurants, so I have now shown my underoos to quite a few strangers all over town.

... And it didn't even get us a free meal.

Oh, well. At least they were cute.

Guess who's back?

That's right, my (five) trusty followers. After one long and eventful month, I have returned.

Settle down, settle down... I know you're excited.

I'll briefly recap for you the going ons of the last month- I was accepted into and decided attend grad school, I was in a show, I was not raptured, I turned 24, I took some online classes, I wrote 160 pages, I finished my first year of teaching, I purchased Dance Central, and I started running again.

And there you have it. I lead a truly thrilling life.

There were also a few mildly humorous things that happened somewhere in that mix. I'll share two of them today.

Anecdote # 1:

I am a teacher. Did I mention that? (Answer: Yes, I did. Check the 7th thing in my list of going ons. If you missed it, you're not a real fan.) Well one day, while walking to our classroom after parent pick-up, my co-teacher and I stopped in the office to grab our pay stubs. As we walked, she mentioned how sad it made her to see the amount she loses to taxes every month. Now, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm terrible at being an adult. I never check my pay stubs. Someone could be stealing hundreds of dollars from me, and I would never know it. If there is any amount of money deposited into my bank account every other Friday, I am a happy girl.

Anyway, upon hearing this, I decided I would try to look super mature and grown up by opening my envelope, looking at the numbers, and making some kind of intelligently indignant remark about a teacher's salary compared to a professional wrestler's (we make 1/25 of what the wrestlers on TV make, by the way... and that's if the teacher is high on the pay scale and the wrestler is low).

So as we are entering the classroom, I finally get this thing opened and unfolded. When my eyes found the number in question, I stopped right in the doorway- I. was. dumbfounded. It is a lot of money.

Like I said, I had planned to say something witty, but shock overtook me, and all I could say was, "DAMN!!"

I looked up hoping to see my co-teacher so that we could bond in our bitterness. Instead, my eyes found one of our classroom aides... and her young grandchildren and their equally young friends.

Note to self: Do not say bad words at work. Even if it is after hours.

Anecdote #2:

One of the best things about the school in which I work is its size. I teach in a very small elementary school, which means we're like a little family.

And by "family" I mean all of the kids learn MY name, and I just refer to them all as "friend", "honey", or "baby". Go ahead and judge me. It's okay... I judge myself for that.

So pretty much every day, I eat lunch in a friend's classroom, and then walk through the cafeteria during pre-K lunch to put my stuff away before recess. Now, for some reason I do not understand, the pre-K kids LOVE me. When they see me pass through the cafeteria, they all start screaming my name and getting up to hug me.

I won't lie... I freaking love it. My self esteem goes through the roof when those little four-year-olds treat me like a rock star.

On this particular day, I (being the kind and gracious person that I am) decided to give these little tykes the gift of a lifetime by high fiving each of them while I walked by. Seriously... if you could've seen the looks on their faces, you really would believe that it was the best day of their lives.

So I'm high fiving all over the place, getting hugs from ketchup-soaked children, and loving every second of it. I feel cooler than freaking Dora the Explorer.

Then, out of nowhere, one little boy excitedly asks, "Ms. E! Are you going to have a baby??"

I try not to overreact... maybe he wants to know if I ever plan to have kids! I convince myself that this is the case, and I tell him "Not any time soon!"

And then, I did a very, very masochistic thing. I asked the dumbest question ever.

"Why? Does it look like I'm going to have a baby?"

In that moment, my self esteem was like Wile E. Coyote right after he runs off of a cliff. He knows the fall is coming, but there's this awkward moment when he's suspended in mid-air and scrambling to get back on land.

"Yes! It's in your tummy!"

(And there's the crash.)

If that's not bad enough, several other pre-K kids overheard this conversation, and they immediately look at my belly and shriek their agreement.

"There is is!"

"There's a little baby in your stomach!"

"You have a baby in you!"

"Miss E. is going to have a baby!"

And then they did the thing that every pregnant woman hates- they all started to pet my stomach.

Let me tell you, preggos... it's MUCH worse when you're not pregnant.

And there you have it- the story of how I went from feeling like a goddess to a pre-teen girl in about 10 seconds flat.

And THAT, dear readers, is why number nine on my going ons list is happening.

Treat Yo' Mama Right

In honor of Mother's Day, I have decided to share two mildly humorous anecdotes involving my own fabulous mom.

Anecdote #1

When I was a kid, I took piano lessons (my mom is a great pianist, so she encouraged all of us to learn). So once a week for somewhere around 8 years, I got to spend quality time with my mom as we drove back and forth from my lessons.

One of these trips, though, was particularly memorable. I can't remember how old I was exactly... eight or nine, maybe. We were enjoying the drive home from Mrs. Lewis' house, when some young man recklessly pulled into our lane, right in front of us. My mother, whose irritable driving I inherited (and you've admitted that, Mom, so you can't be mad at me for posting it on the interwebs), yelled out the open window, "You ASS!"

Today I understand that she was in protective mother mode, but at the time, my tiny brain exploded any time I heard anything remotely offensive. I was shocked.

I looked at my mother with wide, distraught eyes, and she looked at me and said, "It's okay, Lauren.... it's in the Bible."

Anecdote #2

I got my first real job when I was a junior in high school. I worked at Cold Stone Creamery (where every day is a great day for ice cream!).

I was cleaning dishes in the back one night when my co-worker, Andy, walked into the room and said, "Lauren... there's a really hot girl here and she wants to see you!"

I was perplexed. I had many hot friends, yes, but Andy knew most of them, so he probably would've used their names. Who was this mysterious hottie, and why on earth was she coming to visit me?

I rounded the corner, wiping my sticky hands on my apron, and peered out to the front of the store.

I'm sure you've guessed by now that the hottie was my mother.

.... awesome.

When I told Andy that this hot girl had given birth to me (and 5 other children, for that matter!), all he could say was, "Damn!"

So here's to my mom, the strongest, funniest, most amazing, most unfairly hot (seriously... could you try not to have a better body than me??) woman I know! Thank you for everything you've sacrificed for us, all of the sleep you've lost, all of the money you've spent, all of the advice you've given, and all of the encouragement and love you pour out daily. I could not be more proud to have you as my mom.

Like my girl Tina Turner says, "You're simply the best!"

Anecdote #1

Yesterday I went to the bank to withdraw money from the ATM. Unfortunately, it forgot to give me the cash.

I went to the front doors to remedy this situation, but I noticed they had closed about 10 minutes earlier. I could still see tellers standing at the counter, though, so I started waving to indicate that I needed help. They just sat and smiled at me.

Irritated by their lack of assistance, I started kind-of-angry-waving. They just kept smiling smugly at me, which made me curse them under my breath. Obviously they were mocking me.

I continued to attempt to communicate that I was in distress by pointing angrily at my receipt and simultaneously giving them the "Are you seriously not going to help me?!" look. Even if I left without my forty dollars, I was determined to walk away triumphantly, knowing that they knew: I. was. pissed.

Then, a minute or two later, another customer walked out of the doors I was helplessly (and furiously) standing in front of.... at which point I realized the bank had, in fact, been open that whole time.

#humiliation