Treat Yo' Mama Right

In honor of Mother's Day, I have decided to share two mildly humorous anecdotes involving my own fabulous mom.

Anecdote #1

When I was a kid, I took piano lessons (my mom is a great pianist, so she encouraged all of us to learn). So once a week for somewhere around 8 years, I got to spend quality time with my mom as we drove back and forth from my lessons.

One of these trips, though, was particularly memorable. I can't remember how old I was exactly... eight or nine, maybe. We were enjoying the drive home from Mrs. Lewis' house, when some young man recklessly pulled into our lane, right in front of us. My mother, whose irritable driving I inherited (and you've admitted that, Mom, so you can't be mad at me for posting it on the interwebs), yelled out the open window, "You ASS!"

Today I understand that she was in protective mother mode, but at the time, my tiny brain exploded any time I heard anything remotely offensive. I was shocked.

I looked at my mother with wide, distraught eyes, and she looked at me and said, "It's okay, Lauren.... it's in the Bible."

Anecdote #2

I got my first real job when I was a junior in high school. I worked at Cold Stone Creamery (where every day is a great day for ice cream!).

I was cleaning dishes in the back one night when my co-worker, Andy, walked into the room and said, "Lauren... there's a really hot girl here and she wants to see you!"

I was perplexed. I had many hot friends, yes, but Andy knew most of them, so he probably would've used their names. Who was this mysterious hottie, and why on earth was she coming to visit me?

I rounded the corner, wiping my sticky hands on my apron, and peered out to the front of the store.

I'm sure you've guessed by now that the hottie was my mother.

.... awesome.

When I told Andy that this hot girl had given birth to me (and 5 other children, for that matter!), all he could say was, "Damn!"

So here's to my mom, the strongest, funniest, most amazing, most unfairly hot (seriously... could you try not to have a better body than me??) woman I know! Thank you for everything you've sacrificed for us, all of the sleep you've lost, all of the money you've spent, all of the advice you've given, and all of the encouragement and love you pour out daily. I could not be more proud to have you as my mom.

Like my girl Tina Turner says, "You're simply the best!"

Anecdote #1

Yesterday I went to the bank to withdraw money from the ATM. Unfortunately, it forgot to give me the cash.

I went to the front doors to remedy this situation, but I noticed they had closed about 10 minutes earlier. I could still see tellers standing at the counter, though, so I started waving to indicate that I needed help. They just sat and smiled at me.

Irritated by their lack of assistance, I started kind-of-angry-waving. They just kept smiling smugly at me, which made me curse them under my breath. Obviously they were mocking me.

I continued to attempt to communicate that I was in distress by pointing angrily at my receipt and simultaneously giving them the "Are you seriously not going to help me?!" look. Even if I left without my forty dollars, I was determined to walk away triumphantly, knowing that they knew: I. was. pissed.

Then, a minute or two later, another customer walked out of the doors I was helplessly (and furiously) standing in front of.... at which point I realized the bank had, in fact, been open that whole time.

#humiliation