Put a Bird on It

Here is a real thing that actually happened to me this morning:


When I got to work this morning, I pulled into the parking space I normally occupy. I had just been singing along with an amazing mash up of "One Less Bell to Answer" and "A House is Not a Home", so obviously I needed a minute alone in my car to be emotional.
As I processed through all of my feelings, I noticed that about 6 or 5 (why's is always gotta be 5 or 6? I, for one, think that greatest to least order is under appreciated) feet in front of me, there was an injured bird, struggling in the grass. I watched as the poor thing flopped around, flapping its wings in vain.


For the next couple of minutes, that sad little bird continued to try to take flight, but its efforts were futile. Of course I observed the whole ordeal from my car, trying to figure out what was wrong with the little guy. Eventually I concluded that one of its wings was broken. I can assess things like this because I have a degree in vet things and a Master's in helping birds.


Once I figured out what the problem was, I started brainstorming ideas for how to save this bird. My brainstorm was just starting to get intense, when another bird swoops down and starts chirping at the other bird. "Oh my gosh," I think to myself, "that bird is trying to help its friend. He's encouraging Injured Bird. Nature is so amazing!"


As enthusiastic as Cheerleader Bird absolutely was, it quickly became clear that all of the chirping in the world wouldn't get Injured Bird into the air. There he was, still flapping around, pathetic as can be. In fact, he kind of reminded me of this guy:

Anyway, I'm just about to get out of my car to do something (not that I have a damn clue what that something would be) when three more birds swoop down to rescue Injured Bird. I'm about to get emotional at this point, because oh my gosh what a beautiful display of friendship and selflessness, right?
So now we've got four birds, flying around and chirping at Injured Bird, who is still flailing. Every once in awhile one swoops down to nudge Injured Bird, and you guys, the whole thing is just so tragically beautiful.


And then, much to my amazement, Injured Bird takes off! Just flies straight up to the top of a nearby tree. And I'm all, "It's a miracle!"


.... Until I notice that there was a bird underneath Injured Bird this entire time. It seems he wasn't as injured as I thought. And his flailing wasn't happening because he had a broken wing. He was... Well... I'll just say Injured Bird didn't need rescuing.


Which can only lead me to believe that Cheerleader Birds were angry parents, trying to get their teenage children off of each other. I guess no one told them that attempts to separate them will only drive them further into each others wings.

And that is how I learned that nature isn't ALWAYS lovely. Sometimes is straight up lustful.